Walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over. All the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13.

Finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,

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I said to my girlfriend, “Please get me a newspaper.”

“Don’t be silly,” she replied, “you can borrow my iPad.”

That spider never knew what frickin hit it.

A man goes to see a wizard and says:

“Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?”

“Maybe,” says the wizard, “Can you remember the exact words of the curse?”

The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”

A cop on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then the police officer decided to look through the window. He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.” I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”

He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

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