There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.” The manager okays the request and the man went on his way.

Later on the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.” “Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” inquired the manager. The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota”, exclaimed the manager.

The boy instantly replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”

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A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

The Old Man says, “Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.”

“But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo…”

Then the old man gestured at the bar. “Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.”

“But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo…”

Then the old man points out the window. “Eh, Laddy, look out to sea…Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.”

“But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo…”

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

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The richest man in the world decides he wants to be blessed by the Pope at the Vatican. So he travels to Rome, gets in his finest suit, and goes to the Vatican to view the morning papal procession.

Sure enough, the Pope moves through the throng of people, and the man is close enough to stick out his hand for the Pope to take it, but the Pope moves right past him to stop in front of a dirty, ragged beggar a few feet away. The Pope takes the beggar’s hand, whispers into his ear, and proceeds to walk away.

“Of course!” the rich man thought. “He’s not going to stop for me if I’m dressed like this!”

The rich man follows the beggar as he leaves. Stopping the beggar in an alley, the rich man offers the beggar $1,000.00 if he’ll trade clothes with him. The beggar agrees, and the two exchange outfits.

That afternoon, there is to be another papal procession. The rich man, now dressed like the beggar, moves to the front of the crowd and waits. The Pope comes back through the crowd, and according to plan, heads right for him. The Pope takes his hand, leans down, and whispers in his ear.

“I told you once already: I never want to see you in here again….”

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The teacher asked the class to stand one by one and compose a simple sentence using appropriate be verbs.

“She is beautiful”, said Kate.

“My dogs are fat”, shouted Mark.

“I is…”, stuttered Joe when the teacher interrupted.

“You always say ‘I am’. Never say ‘I is'”, said she.

As fast as he could, Joe uttered,

“I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

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