A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than I?”

Maria: “Your husband said so.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”

Maria: “Your husband did.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”

She got her raise

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A husband takes his wife dancing.

They notice a guy on the dance floor living large, break dancing, moon walking, backflips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!!”

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A couple goes into marriage counseling. The wife tells the psychologist that her husband has been acting in unacceptable ways, and that she will have to seek a divorce if he doesn’t change his behavior.

First of all, the husband always picks his nose, regardless of whether or not he’s in public or some other inappropriate location for nose-picking.

Also, the husband never looks up while he is walking. His eyes are always glued to the floor when he goes anywhere.

And worst of all, he never lets his wife top while they’re having sex.

The psychologist asks the husband why he acts the way he does, and the husband replies, “my father insisted that I do those things while he was on his deathbed, so I’m simply respecting his last wishes.” “Well, what exactly did he say?” the psychologist inquired. So the husband replies, “he told me to keep my nose clean, don’t step on any toes, and don’t fuck up.”

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At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

Giuseppe proudly replied, ” I gonna go picka her up.”

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