A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner hat he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time.”

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,”How about going down the pub with me ?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede ‘ s box and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me? …..

This time, a little voice came out of the box, ”I heard you the first time! I ‘m putting my f—ing shoes on!”

“””””

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

“””””

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip

After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep.

Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks “Watson, what do you see?” Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“Correct, Watson, and what do you conclude from that?”

Watson thinks for a moment and then answers: “Well, temporally I conclude it is about 03:30 AM, astrologically I conclude that Venus is showing in the sign of Aquarius, astronomically I conclude that we are on a planet, orbiting the sun in a spiral arm of our galaxy, and religiously I conclude that God wants to show us with this splendour that we are but a small, insignificant speck of dust in the infinite grace of His creation. Why, Holmes? What do you mean?”
“””””

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied: “Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

“””””

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