A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He’s got spiked, multi-colored hair that’s green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat that’s directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, “What are you looking old man… didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, “Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot…. I thought maybe you were my son.”

“““““

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A woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, “since you’re about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?”

The distraught woman said “Are you stupid, no! And go away!”

The bum turned to leave and muttered “Fine, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”

“““““

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Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort hotel in the Caribbean and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, “I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here.”

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, “Similar story here. I used to run a jewelry store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewelry and moved down here to settle.”

They look at the third guy. He says, “I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here.”

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, “How do you start a hurricane?”

——-

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A tourist walks into an English pub.

While he is waiting for his beer, he notices to rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent.

He walks up to them and says:

“Excuse me, I can’t quite put my finger on your accent — are you two ladies from Ireland?”

They get outraged and snap back: “It’s Wales, you idiot!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?”

——-

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