A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.” The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “”Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”

The clerk says, “Well, no.”

With deep self-righteous ndignation, the guy says, “Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”

“””””

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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

“””””

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly the redhead sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins the redhead’s table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

“””””

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My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, “No, it’s my first time.”

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
“Just a minute.” she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
“You like these?”
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the condom on.

As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.
“Come on.” she said. “We don’t have much time.”
So I climbed on her.

It was so amazing that I couldn’t hold back and KIBAAM! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, “Did you put the condom on?”

I said, “I sure did!”

…and held up my thumb to show her.

“””””

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