Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times.”

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”

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One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ”How much is the yellow one?” The assistant says, ”$2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive. The assistant explains, ”This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.” ”What about the green one?” the man asks. The assistant says, ”He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.” ”What about the red one?” the man asks. The assistant says, ”That one’s $10,000.” The man says, ”What does HE do?” The assistant says, ”I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

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Dugly has been eyeing this girl at school for months now, infatuate with her big booty. There’s a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn’t have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there’s a problem. Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection that would rival that of Charlie Sheen in an unsupervised pharmacy.

He thinks he has a solution: just call her! He calls her, and stutters a bit on the phone, but she finds his stammering cute and accepts his proposal. “Pick me up at seven,” she says. “Oh joyous day!” says Dugly. His joy is short-lived, however, because he realizes that he has only delayed the inevitable. How can he conceal his boner? He tries a number of solutions, including willpower, distractions, baggy pants– nothing works.

Finally, he decides to just tie it to his leg. Feeling confident, he heads off to her house. He’s all dressed up, he brought her flowers, his car is cleaned, everything is in order. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. She opens the door. He kicks her in the face.

——-

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Three are sitting at a bar.

First one holds up four fingers “I can take that inside me” she says.

“Well, I can take this” says the second, holding up a fist.

The third one slides slowly down the bar stool.

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