A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’ The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’ The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped. The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put 50€ in the poor box.’ The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’ The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the 50€ on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

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A custodian is cleaning at the church where he works, suddenly a priest frantically approaches him

“son, i need you to do me a favor! I have a golf game I must go to but there’s a woman who just came in for confession. I need you to go into the confession booth, listen to this woman’s sins and tell her how many hail marys she must do. It’s very easy, here’s a list of sins and how many hail mary’s each sin warrents. Thanks and good luck!”

The custodian reluctantly agrees and he goes into the confession booth as the priest sneaks away to go play golf.

The woman starts confessing her sins “forgive me father for I have sinned, I lied to someone” The Custodian looks at the list, see’s ‘lying – 10 hail mary’s’ and says “my child, do 10 hail mary’s and you’re absolved from this sin”. This goes on for a while and suddenly the woman says “forgive me father for I have sinned, I gave a man a blowjob” The custodian is looking all up and down the list but doesn’t see ‘blowjob’ anywhere. Panicked, he asks the woman to excuse him for a minute. As he walks out of the confession booth he see’s an alter boy “Hey, what does father usually give for a blowjob”? he whispers. The alter boy replys “usually a snickers bar”

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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh, you think that’s funny? Watch this.”

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she is giggling and has a smile on her face. He is getting really pissed.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she’s laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

“What’s so funny?” The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times.”

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A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are having trouble communicating to each other about whether or not they want to have sex. The husband has tried on a few nights, when the wife just isn’t in the mood.

The wife decides that they need to have a system, so that they will know, in the dark, whether sex is an option for that night.

The wife explains to the husband, “If you’re not in the mood for sex, squeeze my breasts once; if you’re in the mood, squeeze them twice.”

The husband agrees that this is a great idea, and suggests to her, “If you’re in the mood for sex, pull on my penis once. If you’re not in the mood for sex, pull on my penis 300 times.”

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