The Pope was having a shower, and although he’s very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

“Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, “You can’t do that – you’ll destroy the reputation of the Church!”.

“This is my lottery win”, said the photographer, “I’ll be financially secure for the rest of my life with these photos!”

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “Two million Dollars..”

“TWO MILLION Dollars!” replied the housekeeper, “Wow! They must have seen you coming!”

——-

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A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn’t find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won’t beat me, won’t leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

“I’m here about your ad,” he says.

“You must be mistaken,” she says.

“Let me explain,” he says. “I can’t beat you, I don’t have any arms. And I can’t run away because I don’t have any legs.”

“But,” she asks, “How do I know you’re good in bed?”

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

“““““

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There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines.

After many years, he finds himself in the St. John’s Theatre in Newfoundland, where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The Irish actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just his thumb and one finger he delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

“You bloody fool!” he cried! “You have ruined me!”

The Irish actor was bewildered! “What happened, did I forget my line?”

“No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

——-

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Dugly walks into his boss’s office.

“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Dugly happily gets up to leave.

“By the way”, asks the boss as Dugly is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”

“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Dugly replied.

“““““

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