A priest meets a drunk outside a bar.

The drunk claims to be Jesus.

The priest disagrees, the man insists.

Finally, the priest says, “how can you prove it?”

The man, says “come with me.”

They go inside the bar.

The bartender says, “Jesus Christ, not you again.”

——-

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

“““““

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I was hanging around the bars downtown when I ran into an old acquaintance, Bill. He asks, “You come down here often? I gotta show you this bum I met. He’s gotta be the dumbest SOB I’ve ever met.” We walk over to the corner where a man was standing with a cardboard sign. “Hey Dugly,” Bill greets the bum with a smile and holds up $5 and a $1 bill in each hand “which one ya want?”. Dugly instantly points to the $1 bill and Bill hands it over to him. Bill has his laugh and walk off, “I’ll meet you inside buddy. You try it with him, Dugly picks the smaller bill every time.” I asked Dugly, “You gotta know the $5 is worth more, but why did you take the $1?”. Dugly replies with a shrug, “If I take the $5, he would have stopped giving me money years ago”.

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ centre. After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano It was time for the Star of the Show- Harold the Hypnotist!

Harold explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Harold. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Harold carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Harold, holding the watch high for all to see. “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations”, said Harold.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, Suddenly, The chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”

“SHIT” said Harold.
——-

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It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Centre