The Mexican maid askes for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: “Now Juanita, why do you want a pay increase?”

Juanita: “Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you do.”

Wife: “Who said that you iron better than me?”

Juanita: “Your husband said so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Juanita: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than I am?”

Juanita: “Your husband did.”

Wife, becoming increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Juanita: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you are.”

Wife, seething now, and through gritted teeth: “And did my husband say that as well?”

Juanita: “No Señora…….the gardener did.”

Wife: “Oh, ok! So, how much do you want?”

“““““

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde. The officer asked to see the lady’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said. The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

“““““

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A snail walks into a car dealership and he asks the salesman about car customization.

He shows the salesman a car that he’s thinking about buying, but there’s something he wants to change about it.

The salesman asks him what it is.

The snail tells him he wants the letter ‘S’ painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible.

The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:

“Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say ‘hey, look at that S-car-go!'”

“““““

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A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation’s top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he’d heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn’t understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver’s uniform. After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer. Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, “The answer to that question is so easy, I’ll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond.”

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