“This term,” said the English teacher, “we will be studying ‘The Canterbury Tales’ ”

“But,” she added, “to anticipate a question I get every year — this will not include The Nun’s Priest’s Tale”

“Why not?” asked one of the pupils. The teacher’s features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

“Because,” she answered, “The Nun’s Priest’s Tale is lascivious, licentious, and utterly improper, especially for people your age. Now please open your copies to the General Prologue, and we will begin with that.”

Next lesson, the teacher said, “Please open your ‘Canterbury Tales’ to The Nun’s Priest’s Tale, which I am assuming you have all read by now…?”

“””””

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A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions…
Officer:
– “What’s 2+2”?
Blonde:
– “Ummmmm… 4!”
Officer:
– “What’s the square root of 100?”
Blonde:
– “Ummmm… 10!”
Officer:
– “Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
Blonde:
– “Ummmm… I dunno”.
Officer:
– “Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.”
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde says, excitedly,
– “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
“””””

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A man in a bar is drinking whiskey and says: with what I have, I shouldn’t be drinking so much. Then he turns to the bartender and says: give me another one, even though… with what I have, I shouldn’t be drinking so much.

As soon as he finishes drinking, he goes back to the bartender and asks for another whiskey, still murmuring: with what I have, I shouldn’t be drinking so much.

At that point, the bartender, intrigued, asks: what do you have that you keep saying you shouldn’t be drinking so much?
What do I have? I only have 1 dollar

“””””

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Irish farmer joins the army, and writes home

Dear Mom and Dad,
I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm, tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone:
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don’t get out of bed until 6 in the morning, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there’s hot water and a light to see what you’re doing.

For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no fillet steaks or sausages. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are wrecked because we’ve been on a ‘route march’, which is just like walking to the well over the fields.

This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter, but I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull’s head and it doesn’t move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – ’tis no problem. You don’t even load your own cartridges, they come in boxes and you don’t have to steady yourself against the wall when you reload.

Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy, it’s not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local lads all at once like we do. Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either, it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got. I’ve only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin – he’s 6 foot 8 and 15 stone, so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.
Your loving daughter, Siobhàn…

“””””

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