A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ”Father, what causes arthritis?” ”Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replied. ”Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” ”I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, ”but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”

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A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man’s penis is bright orange.

The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says “My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I dont come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed.”

The doctor asks “Do you do anything before bed?”

The man says “Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web”

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A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her suprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said “You’ve got one wish, make it snappy” The young woman said “I thought Genies gave 3 wishes”. “Not since the GFC, so what is your wish” said the Genie. The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. “See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in Peace” she said. The Genie studied the map. “WTF that’s impossible, try another wish” the Genie grunted. Well said the young woman ” I want a perfect man, one who is kind, compassionate, gentle who likes children and housework, loves to cook and will help clean the house even if the Super Bowl is on”. The Genie stares at the young woman and finally says “Show me that fcuking map again”

“““““

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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

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