Two guys are playing tennis. After they finish their game, one turns to the other and tells his friend his elbow really hurts. His friend tells him to go down to the local pharmacy. At the pharmacy they have a machine where you put in $5 and a urine sample, and the machine will tell you what’s wrong and how to cure it. The friend is astonished so he goes down. He puts in the $5 and a urine sample and the machine prints out a little sheet of paper. On the paper it says: You have tennis elbow, rest your elbow, stay away from strenuous activity, and it should go away. This guy is amazed. He drives home quickly, thinking he can test the machine. So, he grabs a big glass. He puts some tap water in, gets his wife and daughter to pee in it, and just for fun he masturbates into it. He goes back down puts in $5 and the sample. A large list prints out. It says: You have hard water get, a water softener, your daughter is addicted to heroin, get her into rehab, your wife is cheating on you, get a lawyer, and if you don’t quit masturbating your tennis elbow is never going to go away.

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3 mice are sitting around drinking at a mouse bar and start talking about how tough they each are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says “I’m so tough, every morning I wake up and go around the house, take the cheese from the mousetraps, and bust out 50-100 reps on each one.” Second mouse says “ahh, that’s nothing,” slams a shot, and proceeds “I’m so tough that every morning, I go around the house and collect all the rat poison pellets and crumble them up and sprinkle that shit on my breakfast cereal.” The third mouse just sits there quietly, drinks his shot, then starts to leave. The other two look at him and pry “well, what about you? Not man enough to hang with us?” The third mouse casually replies “I don’t have time for these childish games. I have to get home and fuck the cat.”

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Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.

Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.

“Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero.”

“This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”

“Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children.

The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.

“Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I’ll be darned; I don’t know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”

“Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your ass!”

“““““

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her young son.

He was playing with his new electric train, in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!

And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.

Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!”

“““““

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