God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, ‘Where have you been?’

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, ‘Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.’

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ‘What is it?’

‘It’s a planet,’ replied God, ‘and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.’

‘Balance?’ inquired Michael, ‘I’m still confused.’

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. ‘For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.’

God continued pointing to different countries. ‘This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, ‘What’s that one?’

‘That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software.’

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, ‘But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.’

God smiled, ‘There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.’

“““““

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An Irish priest was driving to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He asked, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” said the priest.

The trooper asked, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looked at the bottle and exclaimed, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

——-

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Dougly walks into a bar, when he comes inside he sees Carl sitting by the bar wearing a huge watch, which is way to big to be comfortable.

Dougly walks up to him and says “hey Carl, where the hell did you get that watch?”

Carl points into the corner and says “do you see the old man sitting in the corner there?”

“Yeah” says Dougly

“well, he can grant wishes” Carl

Dougly gets all excited “like real wishes?”

Carl says “yes, but…”

but Dougly is exited and doesn’t let Carl finish, runs to the old man sitting in the corner and asks him “do you grant wishes?”

“yes, one wish per person” says the old man

“all right, I wish that my pockets were always full of money” and suddenly Dougly’s pockets start bulging out.

Dougly runs to the bar and says the bartender “bartender, get me 2 beers, 2 shots of tequila and a bottle of whiskey”

Dougly then reaches into his pockets for his money, but it isn’t money, it’s all gooey “this is honey, but I asked for money”

then Carl says “Do you think I asked for a 12″ inch long clock?”

“““““

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Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn’t seen any deer all day. Finally they came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker.

After loosing a couple of hands, rookie threw down his cards and said “That does it! I am going out to get me a deer.”

Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and the chief asked, “How did you get that?”

The rookie replied, “I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.” The captain then said, “I’ve had enough of this I am going to get my deer.” He came back a half hour later with a 6 point buck.

The chief asked, “How did you get that?” The captain then replied, I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.

The chief not wanting to be out done said, “I’m out of here, I’m going to bag the biggest buck of the day.” He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and the captain asked, “What happened to you?”

The chief replied, “I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a TRAIN!

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