A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” the duck asks again with the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, “What on earth would they want with a plasterer??!”

“““““

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Some workers at the post office are sorting through the mail when they see a letter addressed to Jesus Christ. Baffled, they decide to open the letter, which reads as follows:

“Dear Jesus, I’m writing because I’m in a bind and I don’t know where else to turn. I’ve talked to all of my so-called friends and nobody will help me out. I need a hundred dollars to take care of some problems, and having exhausted all my other options I turn to You. I know You’ll help me in my time of need.”

The workers take this letter to their supervisor, and after reading it over, they all decide to help the man out. Everyone at the post office chips in, but after one week they only manage to collect $75. They decide to mail this money to the man anyways as if Jesus himself had sent it, figuring that $75 is better than nothing at all.

Some time later, a second letter arrives at the post office from the same individual, also addressed to Jesus Christ. The workers, excited to learn the result of their generous act, quickly open the letter:

“Dear Jesus, I want to thank you for the money You sent me. I just knew I could count on You. Forgive me for writing again, but I’ve gotten myself tangled up in another mess, and I need another hundred dollars. I only ask that if You find it in Your heart to help me out again, please don’t send me the money through the mail. Last time, I’m pretty sure those assholes at the post office opened Your letter and stole $25.”

“““““

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Dugly goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn’t remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.

He walks into down and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, “Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?” “A golden toilet? I don’t think so,” the bartender said, giving him a strange look. The man walked into another bar,”Excuse me, you don’t happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?” said Dugly.
“A golden toilet, huh? Don’t be ridiculous.”

This continues all day until finally Dugly walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: “Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet.” The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, “Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!”

At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings…

‘Hello, is this the Police?’

‘Yes. What can I do for you?’

‘Ah’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Mr. Dugly Smith….ya see sir, he’s hidin’ marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he’s a-hidin’ it there.’

‘Thank you very much for the call, sir.’

The next day, Police Officers descend on Dugly’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Dugly and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Dugly’s house.

‘Hey, Dugly! This here’s Floyd….Did the Sheriff come?’

‘Yup sure did!’

‘Did they chop all-a ya’all firewood?’

‘Yup!’

‘Happy Birthday, buddy!’

“““““

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