A burglar breaks into a home and holds the couple inside hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

The burglar has taken everything of value, and is ready to leave while the homeowners are still bound to their chairs. Suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,
“Please untie her, please, let her go!”

The burglar responds,
“No, I’m not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don’t worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration”

The man yet again pleads,

“Please, just untie her, I’ll do anything!”

The burglar once again explains his reasoning,
“I need to get away with this crime, I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything up to chance.”

The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,
“I’m begging you man, just let her go, she won’t call the cops, I promise!”

The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.

“Wow,” he said “You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately”

“No,” The man replied, in a state of frenzy “My wife will be home in 15 minutes”

“””””

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A middle manager was called into HR for a harmless ice breaker.

“Do you know why you’ve been sent here? One of your new employees, Gina, has levied sexual harassment allegations against you”. The stern HR rep asserted.

“What!? Gina!? Oh god, no this must be a mistake! I’ve only known her for a few days!” The manager replied perplexed and shocked.

“Well, I have her complaint right here. She says that you had her and your other new employees engage in an ice breaker that she said was inappropriate and that you made her feel uncomfortable by pressuring her to partake in it.” The rep coldly continued.

“I’ve done this ice breaker with all my new employees for over 15 years!” The manager proclaimed.
“Why don’t you tell me how this ice breaker works.” The rep suggested.

“Gladly! I want all my new hires to get an idea where everyone came from. So, I have people make little nicknames for themselves; they say the abbreviation of the state they grew up in followed by their name. So, for example, I grew up in from Connecticut, so I started us off as CT-Bob!” The manager stammers as he explains to the unsatisfied HR rep.

“There was NY-Adam, NJ-Rosa, CA-Devon; you get the idea. We went around the room until we got to Gina. She said she didn’t want to play and I thought she was just being shy, so I kept insisting she did. I eventually let her skip after she kept refusing, but I had no idea Gina felt uncomfortable let alone sexually harassed!” The manager desperately plead.

The HR rep looked down at the complaint again, cracked a smile, and said “Well, Bob, maybe it’s because Gina grew up in Virginia.”

“””””

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A redhead goes in to see her doctor complaining that she hurt all over.

“Well can you tell me where you hurt?”the doctor asks. She points to her elbow and says,”Right here.Ouch”

The doctor replies,”Anywhere else?” She points to her knee and says, “Right here.Ouucchh!” The doctor again asks,”Anywhere else?” “Yeah right here in the back of my neck. Ooouuucchh!!, As she points.

“Let me ask you something,” said the doctor.”Your not really a redhead are you?” “Im actually a blonde”she replied. “I thought so,” said the doctor. “Your fingers broke!”

“””””

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An old lady was walking down the street with two huge bags over her shoulders. While suddenly, one of the bags break and 100$ bills start falling on the sidewalk one after another.

A policeman going in the opposite direction notices this and alerts the lady: “Excuse me, I think one of your bags broke and money is falling out.”

The lady looks back.

“Oh my, thank you young man, most people these days would just walk by and not say a thing. You are such a sweetie.”, she replies, drops the bags and starts collecting the money.

The policeman looks at the two bags and he becomes curious.

“How did an old lady like you get a full bag of money anyways?”

“Oh, it is an honest business don’t worry”, the woman says. “I live in a house right next to the golf course and I have a beautiful garden with lots of nice flowers. However my fence is old and full of holes, so the golfers tend to come next to the fence, stick it through the holes and pee all over my flowers. This really hurts my garden, so I have figured out a trick. When they put it in the hole, I am waiting there with gardening shears and I say: ‘Give me 100$ or off it goes.’”

The policeman is stumped, but amazed at the same time.

“That really is a smart solution, however, I have to ask, what is in the second bag?”

To which the woman stands up, looks him dead in the eye and says: “Well, not everybody pays.”

“””””

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