A mother, father, and their 8 year old son are driving home from baseball practice when out of nowhere a dildo was thrown out of a car in front of them and slammed into the windshield. The boy in the back seat was startled and asked “mommy what was that?” The couple looked at each other, not sure how to respond. Finally the mother said “oh don’t worry honey, it was just a bug.” The little boy then said “I’m surprised that thing could even get off the ground with a dick that big.”

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The elementary class was learning about addition.

The teacher asks little cindy, “If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?”

cindy thinks about it for a few seconds and says, “Seven.”

The teacher says, “No, let’s try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more.”

cindy spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, “Seven.”

The teacher says, “Let’s try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?”

cindy says, “Six.”

The teacher says, “Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?”

cindy again says, “Seven.”

The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at cindy, “Why do you keep saying seven?!”

cindy says, “Because… I’ve already got a cat!”

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A Panda walks into an expensive restaurant, he gets seated by the host and looks at the menu. He orders the most expensive items on the menu; Porterhouse, A bottle of Chateau Lafite and Black Truffle Cheesecake. When the check comes, the Panda pulls out a handgun and shoots the waiter right between the eyes.

As the Panda is walking out the door, the manager stops him. “What the hell do you think you are doing Panda,” he says. “Not only are you skipping out on the check, but you SHOT my employee.”

“Its ok sir,” the Panda responds, “I’m a panda” “You KILLED someone, you can’t get away with this!” yells the manager.

“Don’t be silly,” says the Panda. “Im a panda, look it up in the dictionary” And he casually walks out the door.

The manager, not knowing what to do with himself, grabs a dictionary and flips to P. Under Panda:

panda. noun. Large mammal, indigenous to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

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A hippy with a bicycle that has a broken chain walks on the side of a road.

A man in a Porche pulls up next to him and offers him a ride.

They try to fit the hippy’s bike into the trunk of the man’s Porsche, but as it is a typical sports car, the trunk is too small for the bike.

Then the man has an idea. He says to the hippy, “I have some rope in my trunk, you can tie it to your bike and I’ll drive you along. If I’m going to fast, just honk the horn on your bike.” The hippy agrees to go along with it and they ride a few miles down the rode.

The man in the Porsche pulls up to a stop light next a man in a Lamborghini. They start revving their engine and a race is about to ensue. The light turns green and the man in the Porsche completely forgets about the hippy tied to his car and starts racing the Lamborghini.

They’re racing and start reaching 80, 90, 100 m.p.h. They pass a cop and when the cop calls the race in he says, “Dispatch you’ll never believe what I just saw.

I saw a Porsche and a Lamborghini racing down the road at 100 miles per hour, and a hippy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass them.”

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