A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

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A mother, father, and their 8 year old son are driving home from baseball practice when out of nowhere a dildo was thrown out of a car in front of them and slammed into the windshield. The boy in the back seat was startled and asked “mommy what was that?” The couple looked at each other, not sure how to respond. Finally the mother said “oh don’t worry honey, it was just a bug.” The little boy then said “I’m surprised that thing could even get off the ground with a dick that big.”

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The elementary class was learning about addition.

The teacher asks little cindy, “If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?”

cindy thinks about it for a few seconds and says, “Seven.”

The teacher says, “No, let’s try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more.”

cindy spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, “Seven.”

The teacher says, “Let’s try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?”

cindy says, “Six.”

The teacher says, “Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?”

cindy again says, “Seven.”

The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at cindy, “Why do you keep saying seven?!”

cindy says, “Because… I’ve already got a cat!”

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A Panda walks into an expensive restaurant, he gets seated by the host and looks at the menu. He orders the most expensive items on the menu; Porterhouse, A bottle of Chateau Lafite and Black Truffle Cheesecake. When the check comes, the Panda pulls out a handgun and shoots the waiter right between the eyes.

As the Panda is walking out the door, the manager stops him. “What the hell do you think you are doing Panda,” he says. “Not only are you skipping out on the check, but you SHOT my employee.”

“Its ok sir,” the Panda responds, “I’m a panda” “You KILLED someone, you can’t get away with this!” yells the manager.

“Don’t be silly,” says the Panda. “Im a panda, look it up in the dictionary” And he casually walks out the door.

The manager, not knowing what to do with himself, grabs a dictionary and flips to P. Under Panda:

panda. noun. Large mammal, indigenous to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

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