A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

“””””

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A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 3 inches tall, brown wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 5 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

“““““

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It was Christmas Eve. Carl and Holly had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.

Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Carl was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink.

‘Th’cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth.”

“Help you with a push!” said Carl. “You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!” And slammed the door into the man’s face.

He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.

“How could you be so mean and uncharitable.” she said. “Surely this evening’s sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you.”

Carl was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.

On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. “Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?

The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. “Over here thur, on the thwing.”

Phil, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Phil suggests they go in. Phil addresses the man behind the counter:

‘Are you the owner?’ The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Phil: ‘We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?’

Pharmacist: ‘Of course we do.’

Phil: ‘How about medicine for circulation?’

Pharmacist: ‘All kinds.’

Phil: ‘Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ‘

Pharmacist: ‘Definitely.’

Phil: ‘How about Viagra?’

Pharmacist: ‘Of course.’

Phil: ‘Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?’

Pharmacist: ‘Yes, a large variety. The works.’

Phil: ‘What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?’

Pharmacist: ‘Absolutely.’

Phil: ‘You sell wheelchairs and walkers?’

Pharmacist: ‘All speeds and sizes.’

Phil says to the pharmacist: ‘We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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