Rays car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over,

Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.

I cant, Ray responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.

Alright, says the cop, then youre going to have to take a blood test.

Cant do that either, Ray responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I wont stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.

Ok, the cop answers then I will need a urine sample.

Sorry, says Ray I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.

Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.

Cant do that either responds Ray.

Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because Im drunk!

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Little Johnny came home from school to see the family’s pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?”

His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”

“Geee Dad that’s great,” said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”

“What do you mean?” said Dad.

“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,”Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming”If it hadn’t of been for Uncle Carl holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

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A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway.

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.

Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known.”

The hunter shrugged. “Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.”

“““““

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A group of single girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” They want to see what it is about so they go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On that floor they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

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