Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.

“Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Johnny Depp for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she would sleep with Taylor Lautner for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned.”

Little Johnny is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, “Mom, if someone would give you a million dollars, would you sleep with Johnny Depp?”

His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”

Then he goes to his sister’s room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Taylor Lautner?”

His sister looks up and says, “Omigod! Definitely!”

Little Johnny goes back to his father who asks, “Well, what did you learn?”

Little Johnny says, “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. POTENTIALLY, we’re sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we’re living with a couple of whores.”

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It was spring in the old west.

The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot- I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Brad Pitt, then, I’d like a build like Ryan Reynolds, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.”

The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Brad Pitt.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed a 6-Pack, just like Ryan Reynolds. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted…

“Oh My God… I was riding the MARE!

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A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

“““““

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Three babies are in their mother’s womb. One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”

The next one says, “I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”

Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”

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