A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

“Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

“Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

“Can you hear me NOW?”

“Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!”

“Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

“You know, in some states, we’re now legally married.”

“Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

“You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do the Hokey Pokey….”

“Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

“If your hand doesn’t fit, you must aquit!”

“Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

~~~~~~~~

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.

The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. “Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side.”

The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face.

“Wow,” exclaims the man, “that is great!” He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, “Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?”

The barber says, “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.

“””””

Loco Domains has .site Domains names for only $2.99, .online for only $4.99, .com only $8.99.

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J.SIMPSON

“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. Thats for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.”

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”

“Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

“If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

“To alcohol! The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!”

“I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”

“I want to share something with you – three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, ‘Cover for me.’
Number two, ‘Oh, good idea, boss.’
Number three, ‘It was like that when I got here.’

“Marge, you’re as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.”

“Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'”

“Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight.”

“You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”

“Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”

“Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

“Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”

“Television – teacher, mother, secret lover!” (My favorite)

“Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, you’re making a scene.'”

“““““

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men “Why are you eating the grass?” “We don’t have money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.

The man answered “But sir, I have a wife and two children!

“Bring them along” replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, “Come with us.”

“But sir, I have a wife and six children?” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!” replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall.”

“““““

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com