A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?” The sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel.” The captain said, “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.” After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!” The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

The sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

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Phil was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.”

Later that evening, Phil asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, Phil shrieks, “AAaahhhhh!”

“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.

“No… I just realized hat the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!”

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Dugly and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Dugly would say, “I’d like to ride in that aeroplane.” And every year his wife would say, “I know, Dugly, but that aeroplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.” This one year Dugly and his wife went to the fair and Dugly said, “I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.”

“That aeroplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”, replied his wife.

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

Dugly and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Dugly, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Dugly replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

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A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: “I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!”

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