I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury looked over at the door waiting for the person to walk through. Of course, the person did not walk through. I then told the jury, look, you had to have had some reasonable doubt that my client did it because you were waiting for the victim to walk through the door. That’s it, that was my closing argument. Well, guess what? The jury came back with a guilty verdict. I asked the jury after, and I said you all looked at the door. The jury said ‘Yeah, we all did look at the door. But guess who did not? Your client.’

“””””

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A man starts his own business. Within a few months his business grows to the point where he needs to hire two employees. He hires a woman named Donna and a man named Jack. Things are good.

A year goes by and the little company’s sales are sagging. The owner realizes that there is not enough work for his two employees and that he must let one of them go. But which one? Both Donna and Jack were excellent employees in every respect.

Tormented by the decision, the owner asks a friend for advice. His friend says “When you go in
tomorrow, watch them both, and fire the first one to take a break.”

So the next day the owner is watching his employees. Donna seems to be having a headache – her brow is furrowed and she’s massaging her temples. She gets up and goes to the medicine cabinet for an aspirin. The owner sees this as a break, and while he hates to do it, this is the signal he was waiting for to make his arbitrary call.

The owner walks over to her and starts out, “Donna, I’m afraid I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.”
Irritated, she replies, “Can you jack off? I have a headache.”

“””””

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Several nuns are renovating an old church. It’s the middle of summer and with no electricity yet, it’s very hot in the building. One of the nuns decides to take off her habit and strips down to just her panties.
“What are you doing?” yells the Mother Superior.

“It’s so hot in here, Mother Superior!” she replies. “It’s only us in here, so I didn’t think it would be a problem to take off my habit. It also makes it easier to move around and work.”

The other nuns all start agreeing and asking if they can do the same. The Mother Superior tells them, “You may all take off your habits but stay away from the windows. They’re not covered yet, and we don’t want anyone to see.”

The other nuns disrobe and go back to work. All of them are in just their panties, but after about an hour, there’s a knock at the door. They all look at each other nervously because they’re all in their underwear, so the Mother Superior walks over to the door. Without opening it, she asks, “Who is it?”
A voice from the other side of the door says, “Blind man.”

They all breathe a sigh of relief, and the Mother Superior opens the door, saying, “What can I do for you, my child?”

The man says, “Nice tits, sister. Where do you want me to start hanging the blinds?”

“””””

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Dugly is an inmate in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Ray.

After taking some time to size Ray up and decide that he can trust him, Dugly tells Ray about his plan to escape.

“You see, ” Dugly says, “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something, and it comes out broken down into its components.” Ray is skeptical but intrigued.

Dugly continues: “For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it.”

So Ray asks, “Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?”

Dugly says, “Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion a rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.”

Ray, disgusted, says, “You have got to be kidding me!”

And Dugly says, “I shit, you knot.”

“””””

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