In 1988, Henry Duffy was on vacation in Australia after graduating from Southeastern University. During a hike through the Outback, he came across a young elephant standing with one leg raised in the air as if it was in pain.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Henry approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Henry worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Henry stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Henry never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Henry was walking through the Atlanta Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Henry and his son Nicolas were standing. The large elephant stared at Henry, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1988, Henry couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Henry summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Henry’s legs and slammed his dumb ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

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During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad, so the German doctor amputated his left arm. He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did.

The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing. The Germans complied.

The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England. The German doctor replied, “Sorry, we do dis no more!”

The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “we think you trying to escape!”

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Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Pedigree Dog Food for Buddy, our hunting dog, and was standing in line at Wal-Mart getting ready to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was “where’s your sign lady” but decided to go with it…SO…On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Pedigree Weight Loss Diet again.

I said I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital the last time. But that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is; you load your pants pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete… so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

She got upset. Made a complaint. WAL-MART asked me not to shop there anymore. It was worth it.

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I won’t apologize, Lisa. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way that I am.

Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

God can’t be everywhere, right?

Good things don’t end in ‘eum’, they end in ‘mania’… or ‘teria’.

Goodbye, Lisa. Remember me as I am… filled with murderous rage!

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

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