King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he’d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the greatful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But Sir Galahad was speechless…

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?” “Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,”You can stay there until I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig’ she cried.
‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife,
the mother of your children!
I’m leaving you .. I want a
divorce right away!’

And the husband replied,
‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’
‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young
lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so
down and out and defenseless that I took
pity on her and let her into the car..

I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home
and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you
last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested
a shower, and while she was doing that, I
noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes, so I threw them away

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her
the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say theyare too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was
your anniversary present, which you don’t
wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you
for Christmas that you don’t wear just to
annoy her, and I also donated those boots
you bought at the expensive boutique and
don’t wear because someone at work has
a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understandingand help that as I walked her to the door,she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…….

.

.

.

.

Please ….. Do you have anything else that
your wife doesn’t use?

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