There’s a guy who’s hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.
The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away.

So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time hes brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldnt reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.

Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.

Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.

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A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. Here are some of the humorous lines she received:

•Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
•We three kings of porridge and tar
•On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
•Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire
•He’s makin a list, chicken and rice
•Noel, Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel
•With the jelly toast proclaim
•Olive, the other reindeer
•Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
•Sleep in heavenly peas
•In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown
•You’ll go down in listerine
•Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
•O come, froggy faithful
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Random Rants

I’m kinda bored, sitting here in front of my computer with nothing really to do. I’m in kindof a bad mood, so maybe I’ll just rant about a few things that tick me off. You got a problem with that?

Tatoos. Having a tattoo with Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

Wal-Mart. I’m not the cashier! By the time I get done sliding my friggen card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again… the kid who’s “supposed” to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Snickers bar. Paper? Plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on aisle four!

Baseball cards. You know, as I kid I collected them. Hell I think every kid collects baseball cards. The cards represent your heros, your idols, people you wanted to be like when you grew up. My problem isn’t with kids… it’s adults. Listen if you’re a grown man you’re not collecting cards, you’re collecting pictures of men. That’s gay.

Old People. Stop messing with them. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time gramps figures out how to open it his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

Women and their eyebrows. What’s the deal here? Why are you soooo obsessed with making them skinny, pointy, curved, slanted or whatever. Men don’t care. Do you have two eybrows? Great. Let’s get it on!

You know what else ticks me off? People that read my stuff and don’t leave a comment. I mean, damn, this site gets tons of visitors a day and no comments. What the hell? How about letting me know what ticks YOU off. Mmmmk. Thanks.

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The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.

‘Well’, said the pilot, ‘Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.’

The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout the thirty minute flight.

Upon landing, the pilot said, ‘I really have to hand it to you for keeping quiet through all that!’

‘Aye’, said the Scotsman, ‘but I’ll admit, ye almost heard me when the wife fell out.’

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