A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

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There’s this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun.
The other hunters are very curious. “How you gonna get a bear without a gun?” they ask.

“Do you have a knife?”

“No,” says the guy.

“Do you have a club?”

“No,” says the guy.

“Don’t you worry. I’m gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see.”

The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours.

Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin.

Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, “Open the cabin door! Open the door!”

They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too.

Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, “You skin that one. I’ll go get another.”

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One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren’t dumb.
They begged: “Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we’re not dumb.”

The group caught the attention of a passerby, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the group.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: “What is the first month of the year?”
The blonde responded: “November?”

“Nope,” said the man. At this point the rest of the group began to chant, “Give her another chance, give her another chance.”

So the man asked: “What is the capital of the U.S.A?”
The blonde responded: “Paris?”
So the group of blondes began chanting again: “Give her another chance, give her another chance.”

The man said: “Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?”
The blonde replied: “Two?”

Give her another chance, Give her another chance,” screamed the group of blondes.

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Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you’re tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small… or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

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