Category: Joke of the Day

A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, “Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true.

Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but that in itself just isn’t enough to get you into Heaven.” The lawyer quickly retaliated, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.

Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?” Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

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One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!” Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?” Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

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What men and women say and what they really mean:

What a woman says, what she really means…
– I need = I want
– We need = I want
– It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
– Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
– We need to talk = I need to complain
– Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
– I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
– You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
– You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
– I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
– Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
– This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
– I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper…
– I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
– I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
– Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
– How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really going to hate
– I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
– Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
– You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
– Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
– Yes = No
– No = No
– Maybe = No
– I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
– I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
– Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it
– Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
– I’m not yelling! = Of course I’m yelling, this is important!

What a man says, what he really means…
– I’m hungry = I’m hungry
– I’m tired = I’m tired
– Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Would you like to dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
– You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
– What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
– You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
– Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
– Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn’t even look different!
– I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go!

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