A passenger tapped s Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
“””””

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A madam opened the door to her brothel to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. “Can I help you?” she asked. “I want to see Vanessa.” the man replied. “Sir, Vanessa is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?” “No. I must see Vanessa.”

Just then Vanessa appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten 100 dollar bills and gave them to Vanessa, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Vanessa. Vanessa explained that no one had ever come back rwo nights in a row (too expensive) and she didn’t give discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man peeled off ten $100 bills, gave them to Vanessa, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night. But he paid Vanessa the $1,000 and they went upstairs. After their session Vanessa said, “No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” The man replied, “South Carolina.” “Really! I have family in South Carolina.” “I know. Your father died. I’m your sister’s attorney and she asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

“””””

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

“””””

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