“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man. “Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend. “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

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Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

The redneck was catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.

“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”

“””””

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Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver’s window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

“Ow!” says the driver. “Why’d you do that?”

The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, officer; I’m not from around here.”

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car’s passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

“Ow!” says the passenger. “What’d you do that for?”

The trooper says, “Just making your wish come true.”

“What the hell does that mean?” asks the guy.

“Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, “I wish that lousy asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!”

“““““

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There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there’s a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish… but if you lie – POOF! – it swallows you up for eternity.

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde walk into that very bar – with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” POOF! – the mirror swallows her up and she’s gone for eternity.

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” POOF – now she’s gone too.

Lastly, the blonde goes up to the mirror says ” I think……..” – POOF!

“““““

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