This guy wins the lottery and decides to buy the nicest car he could find. He buys a Ferrari. It went 320 mph, had a V-12 engine, and went from 0-60 in 3 seconds. He thought nobody would be able to pass him. He decided to show his car off around town. He approaches a stoplight and at that stoplight came an old guy on a moped. The old guy says, “Nice car you have there can I take a look inside.” The man says, “Sure look around all you want.” When the old guy came out he said the car was all right. The guy who owned the Ferrari was pissed. His car was more than all right. So he decides to show the old man what his car could do. When the light turned green the man accelerated to 140 mph. just as the guy thought he had lost the old man he saw a black dot in his rear view mirror and it was gaining on him. IT WAS THE OLD GUY ON THE MOPED. The moped past the Ferrari. The guy in the Ferrari was like “no way.” He then sped up to 240 mph and dusted the moped. But just as the guy in the Ferrari thought he had it made he saw a black dot in his rear view mirror and it was gaining on him. IT WAS THE OLD GUY ON THE MOPED. The moped passed him again. The guy in the Ferrari was getting mad, how could a moped do this. The guy then said, “thats it” and floored it. He blazed past the old man going 320 mph. The guy in the Ferrari said ” theres no way he can pass me now. But just as he said that he saw a black dot in his rear view mirror and it was gaining on him. IT WAS THE OLD GUY ON THE MOPED. There was nothing the guy in the Ferrari could do. He was going as fast as he could. But this time the guy on the moped didn’t pass him; it hit the back of his car. The guy in the Ferrari stopped immediately and ran to the old man. Amazingly the old man was still alive. The guy asked the old man if there was anything he could do. The old man replied, ” Unhook my suspenders off of your rear view mirror.
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A new business was opening, and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. Rest in Peace
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, Sir, Im really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on you new location.

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Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

….Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

….Long Pause

……..Longer Pause

…………Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?”

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are having lunch and discussing their kids. The brunette says, I cant believe it….I went into my daughters purse and found a pack of cigarettes, I didnt know my daughter smoked! The redhead jumps in and says, you think thats bad….. I went into my daughters purse and found a small bottle of vodka, I didnt know my daughter drank!! The blonde then turns to them and says, you think thats bad, I went into my daughters purse and found a pack of condoms……..I didnt know my daughter had a PENIS!!!!!!

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