I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

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A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

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“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man. “Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend. “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

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A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?” “I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise,” he replied. “Wow, that’s amazing,” she said, “How old are you?” “Twenty-six.”

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