Category: Joke of the Day

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful…. Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his wife’s condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require ’round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver!”

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, “Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What’d you shoot?”

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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

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“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year -old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.

“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”

“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

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