A guy walks into a jewelry store with this hot blonde. He says to the jeweler, I want to see your finest piece. The jewler brings out this $1,000 bracelet. The guy says, “I don’t think you understand, I want to see your finest piece of jewelry.” The jewler says okay, and brings back this beautiful $5,000 necklace. The man irritated at this point, repeats his request. “I want to see your FINEST piece of jewelry you have in this damn place.” The jewler goes back to the safe, brings out this exquisite $10,000 diamond ring.

The man writes to jewler a check and says, “Now, I know what your are going to think, that the check is bad. That’s why I’m going to leave the check, and the ring with you. Come monday morning when the check clears, I’ll be in to get the ring.” The jewler is ecstatic and says absolutely and thanks the man for his business.

Come monday, the jewler calls the man and says furiously, “What the hell, the check didn’t clear, you didn’t have any money for that ring!” The man replies, “I know, but I had one hell of a weekend!”

“““““

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A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wif e says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table Together.’

‘I know,’ the old man said. ‘We were probably sitting here naked
As a jaybird fifty years ago.’

‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ‘Let’s relive some old times.’

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples
Are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’

‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee
And the other is in your oatmeal

——-

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?’

The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?’ The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University!’

The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?’ The girl replied, ‘Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’

The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?’ ‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know how
much a million bucks would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million
dollars, but Realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a homo.

“””””

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A professor at the University of Staffordshire was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a mature female student in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, ‘probably playing golf with his friends.’

“””””

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