John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if youre married, you can imagine what hes probably going through. His wife was really pissed.

She told him Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! She was serious too, so John got serious.

The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.

Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.

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An elderly woman went to her local doctors office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, Id like to have some birth control pills.

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but youre 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?

The woman replied, They help me sleep better.

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued…. How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?

The woman said, I put them in my granddaughters orange juice, and I sleep better at night.

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John, two days before his scheduled visit to the proctologist, accidentally swallowed his glass eye when he was cleaning it. He was worried at first, but after calling his doctor and learning he probably wont get sick, he ordered another and soon forgot about it.

He arrived for his annual proctology exam on time, and was soon called into the doctors examining room. After undressing, John follows his instructions and bends over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he took a peek up the mans butt was his glass eye staring right back at him!

You know John, said the doctor, youre really going to have to learn to trust me.

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Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?! Whoa! Dont yell! the blonde on the ladder explained, If its pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If its pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blondes get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, Dont throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! Theyre for the other side of the house! Duh!

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