Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine Sex. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 oclock in the morning. I said, I was looking for Sex.

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said I would like to have one too! When I said But this is a dog, he said he didnt care what she looked like. Then I said, You dont understand. Ive had Sex since I was two years old.

He replied, You must have been a strong boy.

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, You dont understand. Sex keeps me awake at night, and the clerk said,Me too.

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, Show off! I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married and the Judge said, Me too.

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, Me too.

Well now Ive been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, What seems to be the trouble?

I replied, Well, Sex has died and left my life. Its like losing a best friend and its so lonely.

The doctor said, Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isnt mans best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?

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The farmer went into a lawyers office and said, I want one of them there dayvorces.

The lawyer said, Do you have grounds?

The farmer said, Yes, I have 140 acres.

The lawyer said, No you dont understand. Do you have a case?

The farmer said, No, I have a John Deere.

The lawyer said, You still dont understand. Do you have a grudge?

The farmer said, Yes, thats what I park my John Deere under every night.

The lawyer said, You still dont understand. Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday.

The lawyer said, Does she beat you up?

The farmer said, No, we both get up about 4:30 every morning.

The lawyer said, Is she a nagger?

The farmer said, No, shes a little ol white gal, but the last youngen she had was a nagger. Thats why I want a dayvorce.

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A couple in their 80s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, Where are you going? To the kitchen for a drink, he replies. She asks, Will you get me piece of cake? The husband says, Sure. She gently reminds him, Dont you think you should write it down so you dont forget it? He says, No, I can certainly remember that!

Then the woman says, Well, Id like some strawberries on top. Youd better write it down because I know youll forget it. The man replies, I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.

She adds, Id also like whipped cream on top. Now Im certain youre gonna forget that, so youd better write it down ok. Irritated, he says, I dont need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cakewith strawberries! And whipped cream! He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, Wheres my toast?

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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

Why? asks the father.
The teacher asked How much is 2 x 3? I said 6.
But thats right!
Then she asked me How much is 3 x 2?
Whats the fucking difference? asks the father.
Thats what I said!

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