A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake.

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Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. Where do you live? asked the operator.

Bubba replied, At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.

The operator asked, Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, How bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up from there?

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A young, intelligent medical student specializing in sexual disorders decides to take a tour of a local clinic. Eager to impress a future doctor, the chief resident shows him around the facility.

While discussing current cases and the facility, they stumble across a patient masturbating in his room. What condition does he have? the student asks. He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder, the resident replies. If he doesnt ejaculate 20-30 times a day, hell become confused and disoriented.

As the pair continue their tour, the student walks past another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. What about him? the student asks. Whats his story?

Oh, its the same condition, the doctor replies. He just has a better health plan.

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, I promise!

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed…. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him MIDNIGHT…. he didnt seem p***d off in the least…………. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said We need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why, he said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said oh sh*t. Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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