Perfect Day for a Woman:

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.

8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.

9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

1:00 Shopping with friends.

3:00 Nap.

4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.

4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.

5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00 Hot shower. Alone.

10:30 Make love.

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

Perfect Day for a Man:

8:00 Alarm.

8:01 Blowjob.

8:02 Massive dump while reading the sports section.

8:30 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.

9:00 Limo arrives.

9:02 Bloody Mary en route to airport.

9:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:55 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

10:00 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.

12:00 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.

12:15 Blowjob.

12:16 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.

2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.

2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.

3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.

4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.

5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.

7:00 Watch Sportscenter. CNN Newsflash.

8:00 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.

9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.

10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.

11:45 Go to bed (Alone).

11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.

11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep

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There is a medical distinction. Weve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: Youre next, fatty.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

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An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, Whats the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

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10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, Ill gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think its out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. Its an entry level position.
2. When do you think youll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isnt:
1. Its not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

……………..

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