I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, 13…..13…..13….
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting 14…..14…..14….
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A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, Have you been in the service?
Yes, he says, I was in Vietnam for three years.
The interviewer says, That will give you extra points toward employment and then asks, Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, Yes, 100%…. a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.
The interviewer tells the guy, OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.
The guy is puzzled and says, If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?
This is a government job, the interviewer says. For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls…. no point in you coming in for that.
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words I do.
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT????!!! So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear….You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman. I am thinking what was her first clue? I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store….I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take so I told her to take all three. She wanted matching shoes, I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings …. Let me tell you …. she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesnt even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You should have seen her face when she said I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out No honey, I dont feel like buying all of this stuff now.
You should have seen her face…. it went completely blank. I then said Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.
I figure I wont be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2015.
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This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died?
The guy stumbles around and says, Um.. no.. um.. what happened?
The neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!
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