A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says Ill do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it.
The guy thinks for a second and says. Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a 100.
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A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote Revelation 3:20 on the back and stuck it in the door. (Revelation 3:20 begins Behold, I stand at the door and knock.)
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10. Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. (Genesis 3:10 reads, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.)
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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way?
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, Um …. no.
The lawyer interrupts, or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident, the lawyers voice rising in indignation, leaving her penniless with three children?!
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea….
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
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GHOST Poop: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no Poop in the toilet.
CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.
WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you dont ruin them with a stain.
SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when youre done Pooping and youve pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poop some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge youre afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY Poop: Its so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.
DRINKER Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-Poop-Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out youd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS Poop: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
MEXICAN Poop: It smells so badly that your nose burns.
UPPER CLASS Poop: The kind of Poop that has no odor.
THE SURPRISE Poop: You are not at the toilet because you think you are about to fart but….oops….a poop!
THE DANGLING Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
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