Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a very attractive blonde woman from Northeast Tennessee arrived. She bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.” With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, “Come on, baby….Southern Girl needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down….and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON! I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.”

Moral – Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men… are men.

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A man goes to Las Vegas and bets everything he owns. He loses it all. All he has left is the clothes on his back, and his ticket home. When leaving, he gets in a cab and says how much to the airport. The cab driver says 50$. The man offers to give the driver all of his insurance details, and that he would pay the driver back another time. The cab drivers says piss off you cheap skate bastard. The man walks to the airport, misses hi flight and catches another one.

3 years later the buisness man returns quite rich and healthy. He bets all his money again and win over triple what he bet. When he leaves his hotel, there are 15 cabs all lined up. At the end he notices that the driver of the last cab, was the driver who had said no 3 years ago

So the man goes to the front cab and says to the driver, how much to the airport, the driver says 50$. The man says how much for a blow job, the driver tells him to bugger off. The man does this in the next 13 cabs and he gets rejected every time. When he gets to the last cab, the one which had the driver which had denied him a ride 3 years ago.

He gets in the cab and says, how much to the airport. The driver says 50$. The man says take me there. When they drive past all the other cabs the buisness man sticks up his thumbs, and grins at them.

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Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign? Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

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