SMARTASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.

SMARTASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

SMARTASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

SMARTASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMARTASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ” Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

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Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore!!!

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Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver (aka Clifford Arquette ): Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”? A Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”? A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver : I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

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Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, “Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.” The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, “Wow, he’s one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button… Va-voom.” The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, “Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.”

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn’t call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man’s pyjamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. “Sir, what happened?” asked Jeff. “You married a nurse.” “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse,” the man sourly replied. “All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, ‘You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary’.”

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator’s husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man’s hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed. “What happened?” Jeff asked with surprise. “Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.” “Son, don’t ever marry a telephone operator,” the man groaned. “All I heard last night was Her nasal voice saying, ‘Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up’.” Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher’s husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn’t believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were Scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. “My goodness sir, what happened to you?” Jeff asked, fearing the worst. “Did you have a fight?” The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, “No. Son, when you marry be sure it’s to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, ‘We’re going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right’.”

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