One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

……………..

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Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned.”

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda… no.”

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

……………..

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A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the manager shows him around,and explains that the company policy was to sell a product, with a product. The kid looked confused… so the manager said he would show him what he meant.

Now, it just so happened that a customer approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed.

“Certainly”, pointing to the wide range of seed boxes, “and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on “Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow,and you will need a lawn mower to cut it”,

“I hadn’t thought of that”, says the customer, “I’ll take the lawn mower as well then”…and the customer leaves the store happy.

The manager then looks at the kid and says “Now do you understand our policy?” to which the boy replies “Yes…it’s good”.

Just then, a bloke walks into the store. The manager says to the kid “Go on, you can deal with this guy”.

So the kid asks the bloke if he can help. “Yes” replies the guy hesitantly, “Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife.”

“Certainly”, pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it, “and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

The customer looked baffled and the manager’s face dropped, so the kid went on “Well, the weekend’s fucked…You may as well cut the grass”

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11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend,…but she left me before we met.

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever……so far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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