A man is rushing to work one day when he is knocked down by a car. When he comes round in the hospital, his wife is sitting next to the bed. He turns to her and says, “When I was unpopular at school, you took the time to get to know me and we started dating. When I failed my degree at university, you were there beside me. When I couldn’t get a job through failing my degree, you were there beside me. When I did get a job, the same job I have been doing for 15 years without a pay rise, you were there beside me. I get run over, wake up in the hospital and you are there beside me. I have something I really need to say to you…” Choking back tears, the man’s wife moves to sit on the bed. She gently picks up her husband’s hand in hers, “Yes my darling?” He says, “FUCK OFF YOU WITCH! YOU BRING ME BAD LUCK!”

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A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Steve replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to have. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, “Damn income taxes!”

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Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

Little Johnny: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Johnny!

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Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I’m Little Johnny.

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Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

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Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn’t have to keep yours.

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Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not. Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

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Teacher: Why are you late?

Little Johnny: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Little Johnny: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.” That’s what I did.

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Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper.

Little Johnny: I hope you didn’t either.

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Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.

Father: What’s that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

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Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I”.

Little Johnny: I is…

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say “I am.”

Little Johnny: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

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Why Men Have Better Friends

Women’s Friends:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men’s Friends:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

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