George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland.” George W. said, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One”.

The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.” George W. said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!” George W. was a little perplexed by this and said, “But you don’t look like you are handicapped.” The kid replied, “I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”

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From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”

“My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.” Age 10

“When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.” Age 5

“I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a lawn mower.” Age 11

“I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.” Age 13

“I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor.” Age 14

“I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?” Age 15

“Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: ‘A truck!'” Age 15

“It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.” Age 8

“Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.” Age 10

“Home is where the house is.” Age 6

“Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.” Age 15

“It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.” Age 5

“Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.” Age 13

“For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.” Age 6

“The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”” Age 15

“Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right?” Age 15

“I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks.” Age 15

“If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be…until the looting started.” Age 15

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“I’m going fishing.” Really means…”I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“It’s a guy thing.” Really means….”There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?” Really means….”Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” Really means….Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“It would take too long to explain.” Really means…”I have no idea how it works.

“We’re going to be late.” Really means….”Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.” Really means….”I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.” Really means….”I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.” Really means….”Are you still talking?”

“It’s a really good movie.” Really means….”It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women.”

“That’s women’s work.” Really means….”It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“You know how bad my memory is.” Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.” Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.” Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.” Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I can’t find it.” Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“What did I do this time?” Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”

“I heard you.” Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You know I could never love anyone else.” Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“You look terrific.” Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.” Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“We share the housework.” Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

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A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called,

“Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?

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