A rich guy and a poor guy are talking with each other. Both of them are discussing what they got their wives for their anniversary.

The rich guy tells he got his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes. The poor guy is amazed and asked him why he got two gifts for her.

The rich guy said, “Well, if she doesn’t like the ring, she can go and return it to the jewellery shop in her Mercedes, either way she is going to be happy!” Both of them laugh together.

The rich guy asks the poor guy what he got for his wife.

“I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.” The rich guy is baffled by the choice of gifts. He asks why the poor guy got such gifts.

The poor guy replies, “Well, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself!”

“””””

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A man went skydiving for the first time. “It’s easy,” said the instructor.

“Just count to five and pull on the main chute,” the instructor continued. “If that doesn’t open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute.”

“Super easy,” he concluded. “Then you’ll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport.”

The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main chute. Nothing happened. He pulled on the reserve chute. Nothing happened.

He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said: “I bet that bus won’t be there to pick me up either.”

“””””

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It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?”

The neighbour says, “Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

“””””

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Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra.”

“My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road.”

“My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre.”

“Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road .”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy’s wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, ” Mrs O’Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property”..

“Property?”, his wife replies. “The fucker had a window cleaning round.”

“””””

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