Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra.”

“My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road.”

“My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre.”

“Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road .”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy’s wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, ” Mrs O’Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property”..

“Property?”, his wife replies. “The fucker had a window cleaning round.”

“””””

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As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn’t resist a quick glance at her knickers:

“Hey cheeky!” She said as she gave me a playful kick. “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls’ skirts isn’t it?”

“That’s an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam.” I said sternly. “I don’t even work here.”

“””””

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A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive…

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.
“It doesn’t matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”
“I accept, thanks!” She answers.

He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking.
Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says:

“My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”

“””””

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“Dugly, what the hell is this!?” his wife demanded, pulling a large hoop earring from her purse. “I found it in your f*!king car!”

“Um, that’s, uh… that’s m..my earring, honey,” Dugly stammered, sweat beading on his brow. “I..I heard the pirate look was all the rage now.”

“I didn’t know your ears were pierced,” said Debbie, narrowing her eyes.

“Oh, sure! I, uh, I had them pierced the other day!” Dugly exclaimed, taking the hoop from Debbie’s hand. He then punched the earring’s dull pin through his virgin lobe, wincing underneath his forced smile. Blood began trickling down his neck as he said, “S..see?”

“Uh-huh.” said Debbie skeptically. “And what about this? I found it in your car, too.” she stated, producing a 12″ chartreuse rubber dildo from her purse.

Dugly, sweating profusely, slowly began to unfasten his belt…

“””””

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