A mafia king is lying on his sick bed when he calls in one of his godsons. “Mikey, get over here,” he says, “before I go, I gotta ask you to do me one favor.” “Yes, godfather, anything you ask me I’ll do, I worship you more than anything!”

“OK!” says the old man, “I want you to go to the bathroom and jerk off!” Feeling uneasy the boy says, “I don’t know, it is embarassing.” The old man says, “Who raised you as if you were my kid huh, you can’t do it for me?” The youngster agrees and does the deed, he comes back and says, “OK I did it.” The old man says, “One more request, do it again!” The boy looks and says, “Why? I just did?” The old man says, “Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? you can’t do this little thing for me?” The boy agrees and goes to do it. He comes back sweating and says “OK, done!” “One last request, do it one last time! ” says the old man. “I don’t understand, why?” says the boy. “Don’t ask, Can’t you grant a dying man his last wish?” The boy goes and does it again, he comes back crawling, barely able to talk, “OK I did it again, but please no more, I got no more left! “Good!” says the old man, he hands him car keys and says, “Now drive to the airport and pick up my daughter!”

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A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God’s existence. The professor presented the following logic:

“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class seen God?” When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student’s response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.

“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Again, silence.

“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.

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Let’s see if I understand how America works lately…

If a woman burns her thighs on a hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the retaurant.

If your teenage son kills himself, you blame rock and roll music or the musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs of cigarettes a day for forty years and you die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco companies.

If your teenage daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbour crashes his car into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean needles.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world anymore, so if I die while I am parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates. Ok?

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